Silhouette
by cloverlover
Summary: He fumbled for the familiar hand which should have been next to him, but his hands closed on empty thin air. He missed her tinkling laugh, her soft flame-red hair, the way she called him 'Sev' in that sweet voice of hers. And in that moment, his eyes welled up with tears again and fell with the rain...


Silhouette  
  
_I'm tired of waking up in tears__  
__Cuz I can't put to bed these phobias and fears__  
__I'm new to this grief I can't explain__  
__But I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain__  
_  
It was haunting him day and night, and the memory wouldn't let go of him, no matter what he tried. What he did was etched permanently and painfully into his brain. Until now, he still couldn't quite believe it. He had killed her, his one and only love. The person he had cared for all these years, his special, magical childhood friend.

Of all the ways she could have died, he had not expected her end to come quite like this. It was too sudden, it wasn't like her at all; he almost expected it to be a joke, as if she were to jump out of the closet all of a sudden, arms out and fingers stretched to tickle him without mercy, like she used to do when they were small. He remembered her soft red hair dancing above him like a waterfall, like she was coming to him in a dream; he remembered exactly what they had been talking about at the time – books. He could remember her words as clear as day, rising to the surface in his endless pool of memories from the back of his mind. _"__Wow, Sev, you know so much! I bet you'll be top of the class at Hogwarts…"_  
_  
__The fire I began is burning me alive__  
__But I know better than to leave and let it die___

When he saw her lying there on the colourfully patterned bedroom floor, it was like his entire universe had shattered around him. He was oblivious to James' body lying next to her, discarded and twisted at an awkward angles. He didn't see baby Harry, bawling his eyes out in his little cot, as if he knew what had just happened.

His world closed up until all he could see was her body, petite and motionless on the ground. The rest of the world was shrouded in darkness like a sweeping curtain had fallen over it, only letting through the little light that allowed him to see her. And he collapsed onto his knees as he saw those eyes that had entranced him from the start, glazed over, cold and unseeing. Those emerald eyes had lost their warmth, and he knew nothing would ever bring it back.  
_  
__I'm a silhouette, asking every now and then__  
__Is it over yet?__  
__Will I ever feel again?___

He wondered if he would ever love anyone the same way again. From that day forward, when he walked in the streets with his potion-stained hands in his pockets, his sharp eyes widened whenever he glimpsed a flash of red hair or bright green eyes, but he knew nothing would bring her back.

Even as a teacher at Hogwarts, later on, little things triggered his memory and cropped up all over the place. In summer, he had seen a young girl wearing a bright yellow dress in Hogsmeade. It had taken his breath away, taking him back to the day he had seen her wearing a dress just like that, her red hair over one shoulder, her smile wide and welcoming as they met in the meadow under the oak tree. It was only when the girl turned around that he had to look away; her hair was a shade too dark, her eyes were a cold grey which reminded him of Petunia. He wouldn't let him ruin the image that had settled in his mind, so he kept his eyes on the road and walked the other way.

In autumn, Hagrid swept up a leaf pile in his garden, reminding him of the leaf pile _they _had made together all those years ago. It wasn't the same; the leaves were of different shapes – beech, cedar, laurel, but not oak like what he remembered. But he could almost pretend…he fought a childish impulse to jump into the leaves, reluctantly refrained, and turned away instead with mixed emotions.

In winter, the wind scattered the falling snowflakes as they floated around him, taunting him of the memory he had of Lily controlling them with her magic, twirling them so they never reached her face. Severus tried to copy her, but no matter how much he concentrated, the snowflakes would not tear themselves away from the forces of nature, continuing to spin around him. Suddenly, he felt as if they were taunting him, and he had to close his eyes in shame. Why couldn't he do wandless magic anymore? He felt as if another piece of Lily had just left him for good. Their wandless magic was part of the reason why they had been such good friends.

In spring, he had seen small white flowers growing by the lake, and he couldn't help but gingerly pick one to stow in his pocket, remembering how he had given her one for a gift a long time ago. She had smiled at him then, and his heart warmed at the thought that he had comforted her all those long years ago. Life had gone on without her, but how could it? Did they not know of the great loss the world had suffered, the loss of a beautiful young soul?

The hopeful feeling inside him never ceased, and guilt overwhelmed him when he remembered those fleeting memories he knew were lost forever. If he had known what was going to happen back then, he would have treasured those memories more than anything else in the world.

_I'm a silhouette, chasing rainbows on my own__  
__But the more I try to move on__  
__The more I feel alone__  
__So I watch the summer stars take me home.___

He remembered when they were small, they would play every day in summer until the stars came out to join them in their laughter. Then they would flop down onto the grassy meadow, cushioning the backs of their heads with their hands and gaze at the twinkling stars. Now, many years later, he was in the meadow once again. The rain was soaking him to the point where he was shivering from the cold, but he stared unflinchingly at the heavens above as raindrops pelted down on him.

For a moment, he fumbled for the familiar hand which should have been next to him, but his hands closed on empty thin air. He missed her tinkling laugh, her soft flame-red hair, the way she called him 'Sev' in that sweet voice of hers. And in that moment, his eyes welled up with tears again and fell with the rain.

_I'm sick of the past I can't erase__  
__A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can't retrace__  
__The mountain of things I still regret__  
__Is a vile reminder that I would rather just forget__  
_  
He didn't know what had made him do it. Perhaps it was because he was so blind with fury, he didn't realise what he had said before it was too late. He could remember the expression on her face as he spat out the word that ended their friendship forever. Now he knew just how fragile a friendship could be.

Maybe she would have forgiven him if he hadn't joined the Dark Lord. Standing outside the Gryffindor common room, he was lost for words as she accused him one after the other. She gave him an ultimatum, forcing him to choose between the Death Eaters and her, but as she glanced at his arm and saw the mark there, he could do nothing but watch her eyes narrow with determination. _"So you've already made your choice, then? I think we have nothing more to say to each other." _He wondered if the words had hurt her as much as it did him.

He wished he didn't remember. And now he would never know.

_Cuz I walk alone, no matter where I go__  
__So I watch the summer stars take me home...__  
_  
**Author's Note:****  
****My first attempt at angst. This was inspired by "Silhouette" by Owl City. I don't think I've ever listened to a song which fit this better.**


End file.
